.::Spitting Ink::.

Snacking on the Job
A trio of hungry burglars helped their own undoing by leaving a trail of snack wrappers after stealing six packages of instant lottery tickets from a convenience store. "This was a combination of good police work and a stupid criminal," said Sgt. Tom Connellan, a police spokesman. The burglars smashed a window early Wednesday at a convenience store and fled with the lottery tickets and some Little Debbie Coffee Cake snacks. Officer James Johnson followed a trail of discarded wrappers to a nearby apartment building, where he arrested the trio. Charged with burglary, grand larceny and criminal mischief were Curtis Hudgins, 17, Adrian Huddleston, 20, and a 15-year-old boy whose name was withheld because of his age.

A Baggy Plan
A guy in Elmwood Park, New Jersey, who robbed a Wachovia Bank there made one small, but costly, mistake–he didn’t remember to bring a bag to put the stolen money in. Our forgetful felon, who was wearing a long curly-haired wig and sunglasses and had what looked like a black 9mm handgun, demanded money from tellers after he entered the bank a little before 11:00 AM on August 25, Elmwood Park Police said. He then hopped the tellers’ counter and pilfered $1,385 in cash. However, as the unidentified man ran away from the crime scene, he ended up dropping at least $1,195, or about 86% of what he had filched. Police found the cash, which the wind had blown onto lawns and driveways, when they combed the area an hour later. Investigators declined to comment on the rest of the investigation since it was ongoing.

1. Ask people what their gender is. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
2. At lunch break, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point your hair dryer at passing people.
3. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In”.
6. Install an espresso machine in your locker. Cackle evilly whenever someone asks why you have a coffee maker in your locker and mutter indistinctly about a diabolical plan.
7. In the memo field of all your checks, write “For Smuggling Diamonds”.
8. Finish all your sentences with, “in accordance with the prophecy”.
9. Dont use any punctuation ok
10. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
11. Hum incessantly with your eyes closed and your elbow facing your ear. When stopped, chide the person for disrupting your fairy summoning ritual.
12. With a straight face, order diet water whenever you eat out.
13. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
14. Sing along at the opera.
15. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
16. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
17. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
18. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name… Rock Bottom.
19. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, “Oh my gosh! I won! I won!”
20. When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot yelling, “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
21. Tell your kids/stuffed animals at dinner, “Due to the economy, we’re going to have to let one of you go.”

August 28, 2006
A while back my father, Prince George the X IX, said he desired a video game (amazingly) which did not include boring violence (how does that work??) and was multiplayer, such as a racing game. So my mother and I went out to get a racing game. I remember the Mario-Kart series was a zany racing game with wacky courses, and I remembered that Double-Dash was available for the Gamecube. So we purchased it and tried it out. For the last few weeks I’ve had coffee breaks for this game, because it was way better than I thought.
Mario-Kart Double Dash has no storyline or sense at all; except for the fact all the Mario characters from the original Nintendo series have created go-karts to compete in a grand prix. Donkey Kong, Wario, Baby Mario, even Koopas and Patroopas have come to race.
So here’s how it works: in double dash, 2 racers can be combined with a kart matching their weight, so the combined weight has effect on their kart and racing. You then enter Battle mode, cooperation mode, grand prix, or even some time trials. During these races (except time trials) you race on a course and smash open mystery boxes to receive items. These items are items that portray other items in real life, the bananas representing road tacks, mushrooms representing nitro, red shells representing homing missiles, plus other wacky things, and special items for single characters. These items make you invincible temporarily, jeopardize others, and let you catch up. As far as you can tell, this is more interesting than a normal race. The courses are also wacky. Whether you’re being shot out of a cannon at 200 m/ph, or jumping through blazing rings of fire, you can never take a time to truly relax.
Of course, the game still takes aspects of a real race. You can drift your car (turning without loss of speed); reverse direction, have a speedometer, and a map to show you and others’ current position on the course. There’s also a timer to show how long your laps and your final time takes. This isn’t just some funky racing, it’s really racing.
Well, I have to say that with its overall performance, I give it an 8.5/10. The voices are just plain weird, and it’s too competitive. But it’s a good game, in the eyes of Timbitaem, though wheeled cars are kind of primitive.

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(Hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(But no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

NEW YORK (Reuters) - More than one in eight U.S. adults finds it hard to stay away from the Internet for several days at a time and about one in 11 tries to hide his or her online habit, according to a study released on Tuesday.
The study by researchers from the Stanford University School of Medicine in California found one in 8 adults admitted they needed to spend less time online, saying this showed "problematic Internet use" is present in a sizable portion of the population.
"We often focus on how wonderful the Internet is -- how simple and efficient it can make things," said Elias Aboujaoude, the study's lead author, in a statement.
"But we need to consider the fact that it creates real problems for a subset of people."
The study involved a nationwide telephone survey of 2,581 respondents in the spring and summer of 2004 with researchers then examining the data and preparing the report which appears in the October issue of CNS Spectrums: The International Journal of Neuropsychiatric Medicine.
The survey found that 68.9 percent of respondents were regular Internet users and 13.7 percent found it hard to stay offline for several days at a time.
It found 12.4 percent often stayed online longer than intended, more than 12 percent said they saw a need to cut back on their Internet use, and 8.7 percent tried to conceal "non-essential" Internet use from family, friends and employers.
A smaller number, 8.2 percent, said they use the Internet to escape problems or a bad mood, while 5.9 percent felt their relationships suffered because of excessive Internet use.
Aboujaoude said the results do not show that people are suffering from a clinical disorder, and he added that more research must be done to make any such determination.
The study comes after several reports over the past decade concluded that Internet and computer use can be addictive, including habits such as compulsive videogame play.
One report published earlier this year in the journal Perspectives in Psychiatric Care said that the Internet may promote addictive behaviors.
That study said that 5 percent to 10 percent of the population likely will experience Internet addiction.
It said signs include a disregard for health or appearance, sleep deprivation and decreased physical activity and social interaction with others, as well as dry eyes, carpal tunnel syndrome and repetitive motion injuries of hands and fingers.

October 22, 1999

I happened to be in London last summer on the very day "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban," the third book in the wildly popular series by J. K. Rowling, was published. I couldn't believe my good fortune. I rushed to the bookstore to buy a copy, knowing this simple act would put me up there with the best grandmas in the world. The book was still months away from publication in the United States, and I have an 8-year-old grandson who is a big Harry Potter fan.
It's a good thing when children enjoy books, isn't it? Most of us think so. But like many children's books these days, the Harry Potter series has recently come under fire. In Minnesota, Michigan, New York, California and South Carolina, parents who feel the books promote interest in the occult have called for their removal from classrooms and school libraries.
I knew this was coming. The only surprise is that it took so long -- as long as it took for the zealots who claim they're protecting children from evil (and evil can be found lurking everywhere these days) to discover that children actually like these books. If children are excited about a book, it must be suspect.
I'm not exactly unfamiliar with this line of thinking, having had various books of mine banned from schools over the last 20 years. In my books, it's reality that's seen as corrupting. With Harry Potter, the perceived danger is fantasy. After all, Harry and his classmates attend the celebrated Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. According to certain adults, these stories teach witchcraft, sorcery and satanism. But hey, if it's not one "ism," it's another. I mean Madeleine L'Engle's "A Wrinkle in Time" has been targeted by censors for promoting New Ageism, and Mark Twain's "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" for promoting racism. Gee, where does that leave the kids?
The real danger is not in the books, but in laughing off those who would ban them. The protests against Harry Potter follow a tradition that has been growing since the early 1980's and often leaves school principals trembling with fear that is then passed down to teachers and librarians.
What began with the religious right has spread to the politically correct. And now the gate is open so wide that some parents believe they have the right to demand immediate removal of any book for any reason from school or classroom libraries. The list of gifted teachers and librarians who find their jobs in jeopardy for defending their students' right to read, to imagine, to question, grows every year.
My grandson was bewildered when I tried to explain why some adults don't want their children reading about Harry Potter. "But that doesn't make any sense!" he said. J. K. Rowling is on a book tour in America right now. She's probably befuddled by the brouhaha, too. After all, she was just trying to tell a good story.
My husband and I like to reminisce about how, when we were 9, we read straight through L. Frank Baum's Oz series, books filled with wizards and witches. And you know what those subversive tales taught us? That we loved to read! In those days I used to dream of flying. I may have been small and powerless in real life, but in my imagination I was able to soar.
At the rate we're going, I can imagine next year's headline: " 'Goodnight Moon' Banned for Encouraging Children to Communicate With Furniture." And we all know where that can lead, don't we?

Have you ever felt that we have this age thing backwards? Most people in modern society worship youth, but youth is only good because of its room for potential development. Age equals wisdom, an irreplaceable commodity that you can't just buy at Wal-Mart. If nothing else, whether you are young or old, listen to what old people have to say. They have been around and know the best ways to tackle problems that young people could otherwise only guess at.

If you need to move a refrigerator, washing machine, piano or other large item across a smooth floor, pour a little dishwashing liquid on the floor first. The large appliance will slide smoothly, then you can simply mop up the soap.

What is better for our environment, use of polystyrene cups, or paper cups? Polystyrene. It takes twenty-four times more power to produce a paper cup. Furthermore, when a paper cup decomposes in a moist landfill (in dry soil, it doesn't decompose any faster than plastic) it produces methane gas, a threat to add to the greenhouse effect.

In a study of people using telephone booths, researchers found that when no one was waiting to use the phone, callers averaged ninety seconds talking, then walked away. But if someone was waiting around to make a call, the callers averaged four minutes per call.

Should you wash or mend clothes first? Mend them first. Washing machines take advantage of tears and rip them even more, but if they are sewn first, no further damage occurs.

Note: This is based on a true story.
2:00am, September 30th, Toronto Pearson Int. Airport. Flight 2052 is preparing for takeoff on a trip to Miami. The aircraft is a simple 737-500 piloted by Captain J.R. Peterson and Co-captain Robert Mcearly.
2:30am, September 30th, Miami. Flight 88 takes off to Washington DC. The aircraft is a modern Boeing 777-200 piloted by Captain Ramone Del Distas and Cocaptain Logan Moore.
5:00am, flight 2052 is 100km from New York and is cruising. 100km off the other side of New York, flight 88 is doing exactly the same thing. Half an hour later, both of the aircraft are 10 minutes away from New York, and are closing in extremely fast. Aircraft Controllers do not notice the aircrafts’ deadly course, as they are still far apart.
5:35am, both aircraft are only a kilometer from New York and if they don’t alter their course fast, they are doomed. Controllers see aircraft but see no possible connection in their courses.
5:36am, the aircraft are less than a minute away from each other. Controller sends out warning.” 2052, descend!” But on flight 2052, the radar was telling them to climb. On flight 88, the radar is telling them to descend, flight 2052 makes the fatal decision of descending.
30 seconds later, the aircraft are now in visual contact with each other, despite near 0 visibility. Both aircraft send their last message,” Mayday Mayday, we’re gonna crash!” then, COLLISION. Both aircraft are immediately disintegrated. The explosion is followed by utter silence as the Controller asks for a response” flight 2052, please respond.”
The Truth
The truth to this story is that: Two aircraft really did collide, and one of them did make the same mistake as flight 2052. However, the aircraft never got anywhere near North America, but actually crashed over the Spanish city of Barcelona, and there were no survivors. The aircraft controller who was on the scene took part of the blame and was allegedly murdered by one of the relatives of the passengers on the aircraft who had lost every remaining member of his family. Many people were affected by this, and as a relative of a victim of the crash put it. “We were very disappointed in him, but we didn’t want him dead.” The relative who was allegedly the murderer is now in mental treatment and people still don’t know if he really was the murderer.
This story is dedicated to the victims of the crash and also the controller.

Last month, we reviewed Polly Horvath’s novel The Vacation. Today, we bring you an exclusive interview with Ms. Horvath, whose many writing credits include The Trolls, Everything on a Waffle, and The Pepins and Their Problems.
Polly Horvath currently lives in Vancouver, B.C., with her husband Arnie, two daughters named Emily and Rebecca (who both also wanted to start school newspapers!), a horse called Zayda, and a smooth collie, Keena.
1. What inspires you to write? (Ex: do you find it impossible to write without a mug of coffee by your side, or do you always write in red ink?)
Well, as much as I like the idea of being inspired by a beverage or writing implement, I usually have some sort of idea I am interested in when I sit down. Or at least a character or a voice.
2. Of all the books you've written, which is your favourite?
The one I am working on at the time.
3. Who are your favourite authors? What are your favourite books?
Bill Bryson. I just read Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and I read it four times, I liked it so much. She's terrific. I read lots of non-fiction. I like Robertson Davies and Louisa May Alcott and Edward Eager and Anne Lamott.
4. Have you felt a passion for writing ever since childhood? Who, or what, made you want to write?
I have always written. I used to play with cans and jars of spice in our kitchen cabinet when I was about five and make intricate villages and characters and stories. I just hadn't learned how to print yet. After that, instead of moving cans around I wrote things down.
5. In your books, characters often find themselves in bleak (and sometimes absurdly so) situations, which usually turn out well in the end. Do you write from past experiences?
I suppose I've had my share of bleak and absurd situations but I don't think about it much and to be honest I don't like thinking about such things. I prefer to write without sitting on my own shoulder watching myself write.
6. What's it like being a famous author? Is there any pressure you deal with, or awkward topics people bring up on the subject of your writing?
Sometimes people ask me about bleak and absurd situations. JUST KIDDING. I don't think of myself as a famous author. But I am a working author, meaning I can make a living from it and that is a huge luxury. I hope you all find something you love to do passionately and get to do your whole life. It is a great blessing.

Next month we bring you another exclusive interview, this time with author P. B. KERR of the CHILDREN OF THE LAMP series!

William Menninger:
Six essential qualities are the key to success: sincerity, personal integrity, humility, courtesy, wisdom, charity.

Doug Larson:
Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.  
Mahatma Gandhi:
They cannot take away our self-respect if we do not give it to them.  

John Gray:
When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.   Baltasar Gracian:
Respect yourself if you would have others respect you.  

Oliver Wendell Holmes:
Don't flatter yourself that friendship authorizes you to say disagreeable things to your intimates. The nearer you come into relation with a person, the more necessary do tact and courtesy become.

Lewis Caroll:
Courtesy while you’re thinking what to say. It saves time.
Anthony Robbins:
The meeting of preparation with opportunity generates the offspring we call luck.